I turned 25 this week. It’s funny — I remember when that seemed so old.
I’m exactly where I want to be right now. But I spent the week traveling, and as happy as I thought I was here, I’m starting to see that I will eventually need to leave.
I love DC. It’s a fun, family-friendly, pedestrian-friendly city where I’ve been able to find great jobs and advance in my career. I love my apartment, I love my neighborhood, I love my job and my friends and the connections I’ve made here. I love how easy it is to get around — a quick metro ride to the airport or a quick bus/train ride to New York, Boston, Philly, Maryland, Virginia, wherever I want to go on the east coast. I’ll have to visit the Carolinas while I’m living here, too.
I landed last night after a week-long adventure, and I thought I was so happy to be home. I was.
Then, I woke up. And it was cold outside. And I’ve been feeling distant from my friends.
I went to brunch today, and I overheard a conversation between two men that I didn’t want to hear. But it perfectly encapsulates the things I want to run away from.
These guys were educated, well-dressed, articulate. And yet they were total fucking chauvinist bros.
Bro #1 goes to Bro #2: “I offered to buy this girl a drink, and she goes, ‘Oh, I have a boyfriend,’ – I was like ‘And I have a goldfish. Why are we talking about shit that doesn’t matter and is not here?'” Bro #2 laughed at how absurd girl at bar was for rejecting a free drink. Bro #2 says, “You’re doing something for her,” as though stupid girl at bar should’ve just accepted the drink from Bro #1. The conversation went on that way — banging girls, etc. You’re so cool, bros. So very cool.
Maybe it’s just today, but I don’t want to live here anymore. I want to live in a place where people are friendly, where education is important but people are humble. I want to live in a place that’s diverse and easy to get around without a car. Ideally, this place is also warm, but that’s not as important anymore. Though I’m generally happier when it’s sunny and beautiful outside.
I want to buy a house soon, but it’s hard when I don’t know where I want to be.
I spent some time in LA, Austin, and Florida this week. It was amazing. It was perfect. It made me a little sad that I left so many wonderful friends behind. It’s strange how badly I wanted to leave, how I didn’t give it a second thought, how I left and barely said goodbye. I was so tired, but I was tired because I pushed myself to that point. I volunteered all the time, trying so hard to save the world. I loved how much my friends relied on me. I wanted to be everyone’s caretaker, everyone’s life counselor, everyone’s mother.
I bent over backwards for everyone, and I resented them for it.
When I was living in New York, I relied on my friends and the men in my life to feed me, house me, clothe me, and be there for me in every way. I was a taker; I had nothing to give. Once I had a stable life and a home, I wanted to help everyone else. But I give more than I have. Then I get worn out.
Or maybe it’s just cold outside, and I hate that.