I have a paper to write and a book to read, but I feel so distracted. I think I’ve been so much more scatterbrained over the last year because I always have so much on my mind and no way to release it anymore. I haven’t been keeping a journal, and I don’t talk about my problems with my friends. Ever since the Ahmed situation, it’s seemed like the consequences of opening up are too great to risk it. I think it’s taken a toll on my mental health, though. I have to get things off my mind, or they’ll just pile up and keep weighing on me.
So, hello. I’m here because I’d like you to hold some of my baggage.
My life is pretty wonderful. I can’t complain too much because I’m very fortunate. I’m almost done with school at UCLA, and I’ve already been able to jump-start my career. For my last quarter, I’m taking classes at the UC campus in DC, but instead of living on campus and treating it like a study abroad program, I moved here. I found an apartment within walking distance of the campus, and I found a full-time job doing exactly the type of thing that I want to do: I fight cancer. Well, that’s not exactly what I wanted to do. I’m more interested in fighting poverty. But, I’m working in development for a non-profit, which is exactly what I wanted to do. And the position is salaried, which is kind of amazing for me since I’m 22 years old and I don’t even have a Bachelor’s degree. When I see how many recent graduates are struggling to find work, I feel pretty lucky. Especially because I love my work – it’s the type of thing you want to go home and continue to work on because it feels so important, and – by virtue of its importance – I’ve developed a feeling of importance and purpose. Cancer wasn’t ever really my cause, but my work focuses on people in poverty because low-income individuals tend to also live in medically underserved communities. We basically make cancer care resources more accessible to poor communities.
Other than all of that, though, I’m a mess. But, my problems have nothing to do with me. Sort of. I’m very happy with myself and with my life. My problem is mainly my inability to interact in a normal way with other people. I’m very selfish. And selfless, in a way. I’m also very vain and insecure. While snooping through my ex-boyfriend’s Facebook messages, I found that he referred to me as “so overconfident” that I’m “delusional.” I thought that was fairly accurate. But, I suppose snooping through my ex’s messages says a lot about me, too. I have an inferiority complex and a superiority complex, depending on my mood, and I have somewhat of an identity disorder. I’m also very bad with romance because it makes me feel vulnerable and also because I find it too dramatic.
Sometimes I think I may be falling in love, but I’m not very good it. I constantly detach and detach and detach myself from it. Er, him. I keep reminding myself of the things I don’t like about him and of the reasons I’d rather be single. I wish I could just appreciate and enjoy how lucky I am. He’s pretty great.
Since I haven’t had any real connection with anyone since the Ahmed debacle, I find myself reminiscing about things I already know that I don’t want anymore. But I start to feel like I want the old, if only because I don’t know what to do with the new.
So tonight, I’ve been listening to “The Reason” by Hoobastank and reminiscing about “the one that got away.” Okay, he didn’t really get away. I chased him away. And he stuck around, actually. So I abused and tortured him and eventually left him for someone else. For someone I didn’t even really have any feelings for, in fact. I don’t know exactly why I left him, because I loved him more than anyone I’ve ever known, but I left and he’s moved on. I suppose I moved on long before he did, in some ways. But, I’m still stuck wondering how I could hurt someone that I loved so much, and why it usually doesn’t faze me at all. Except sometimes.
At some point, I turned into someone I couldn’t recognize.
So, I suppose that’s another reason why I’m here: I’d like you to help me find myself.
I’m not trying to go back. I know that I’ve changed in a lot of ways, and I’d like to keep a lot of those changes. I just want to start feeling a little sense of humanity again. I just want to feel something – anything really. I don’t exactly know yet where I’m trying to get with this whole blogging thing, but I’m hoping you’ll help me reach my destination.