It’s 2:22am, and I can’t sleep. I’m sure it’s because I’m home alone. I’ll have to get used to it, too, because Peter’s going to be gone for the next five days. In a lot of ways, I think this is good because I really wanted my space. It’s so much easier to focus on homework, clean and relax when you have alone time.
The problem, though, is it heightens my awareness that I really have no one out here. If I have some kind of emergency and I need help then there’s really no one I can call. Especially this weekend. The only other person I know within two hours of me is in Vegas for Memorial Day.
I was supposed to go to New York with Peter this weekend, but I had a lot of work to finish back at home, so I’m glad I stayed; I needed to be alone.
The problem I keep facing is the same problem I’ve faced all my life (and I know this from re-reading blog entries from high school): relationships make me feel suppressed. I don’t feel as free as I should because I have this weird idea in my head that I can’t do certain things if I’m in a relationship. It makes me irritable and uncomfortable and unhappy. I don’t know how to snap out of it.
A couple of months ago, I was sure that Pete and I were breaking up. Recently, he told me he wasn’t happy because I’m always upset at him. I don’t want to be upset, but I feel like I’m just trying to break away sometimes — which sucks because I think he’s really great.