Today, I had my first “my kid is dead” scare.
I’m not really supposed to leave my house, except for doctor’s appointments, but it was a beautiful day, and I really wanted a chicken caesar wrap (I like chicken caesar wraps again! no more Five Guys!), so I took a much-needed walk to Au Bon Pain, and I thought this was the perfect time to try out my brand new baby carrier.
Max was totally awake when we were inside my apartment. And then I couldn’t have gotten more than 30 feet away from my front door before I checked on him and noticed that his eyes were closed and he wasn’t moving. I couldn’t hear any breathing either. I poked him a couple of times. No response.
At this point, I’m freaking out — convinced that, clearly, this baby carrier has murdered my three-week-old. I was horrified.
I go back inside and lay him on my bed and start prodding him again when he snores and turns his head away.
You can just say, “I’m going to sleep, mom.” kthx.
The outside world is so dangerous.
Also, I think I got the weirdest pick-up line while I was on my walk. I mean, there’s always the chance that I misheard him (especially since he was speaking to me from a moving vehicle), but I’m pretty sure he said, “You look really beautiful with that baby.”
I think this means I’m a MILF.
Last thing: I’m almost finished with this book, The Happiest Baby on the Block. If you ever decide to have a baby, please don’t ever read this book. It’s more than 200 pages, and it can be summarized in 4 minutes. The 5 S’s and also the “missing fourth trimester.” That’s everything that’s in there. Save your eight bucks. You’re welcome.