I’ve started a number of unfinished posts over the last few (quite eventful) days. Those posts were incredibly different from, even contradicting, what I’m about to write here now, but this is the one I’m publishing, so I suppose that says something. Though I don’t know if it’s saying what I hope it says.
When I first had my son, I thought, wow – I’ve never truly experienced love before, and now I know what love is, and nothing else could compare to this feeling. I thought what else could I possibly ever need in this world?
My head flashed back to relationship counseling with my ex, to the day our counselor asked each of us to explain why we loved each other. He shared how I made him feel; I listed the things I liked about him – he’s smart, he’s successful, this must be why I love him. They told me I was missing the point. And I didn’t get it.
Until my son was born, and suddenly I understood that love wasn’t about the things you liked about a person – even if you liked those things very much. Love is about how someone makes you feel. I just never felt anything before.
Now, every feeling is magnified.
When I started dating post-childbirth, I did so with the mindset that nothing was going to compare to this feeling – this new love feeling. And it’s true. But what I didn’t see initially was that this feeling was a gateway to so many more amazing feelings. And maybe this isn’t only true for new moms – and maybe it’s not true for all new moms. Maybe and most likely, having Max just brought on this crazy joy that is sparked in people, childless or childful, that has opened them up to the world in such a different way. Maybe it’s just the joy.
You know what I mean?
Today, I felt something. No, I’m not in love, and I don’t mean to make it sound that way. But in a moment, I recognized how much I’ve changed since becoming a mother. I was just so genuinely excited to make someone else…happy. The joy is so contagious, and I want to spread it far and wide. I want everyone to feel what I’m feeling. I have so much love to give, and I feel like he’s the reason I have it.
So this isn’t really about a guy, though the guy is a lot of fun – and maybe just what I needed. This is about feeling high and wanting to bring everyone else up here with me.
And nope, this doesn’t make sense at all with everything I started to write about sacrifice and crumbling friendships. It’s been an eventful week. But most of the events have been ahmazing.