We didn’t win the White House Easter Egg roll lottery. What else is there? I feel like a stay-at-home mom lately. I’ve been working remotely for like a month, and on the days I’m not working remotely, it’s because it’s snowing and the whole city has shut down.

Sometimes I get up and get dressed like, “Today is the day I’m going to go outside and go to work.”
…and then my kid throws up all over me, so I change into something that I’m more comfortable with being covered in his vomit. (Sorry, PIRG.)
Sometimes we spend the whole day at the doctor’s office.
…but mostly we stay in bed.
After awhile, Max was like, “I’ve had it, lady! I’m out of here!”
…but then it turned out he hates the snow as much as I do.
Sometimes working from home is tough. (Especially when you’ve got this face telling you it’s playtime.)
…but we stay highly caffeinated
and spend an obscene amount of time at Rustik when we need to get out
and once in a blue moon, we take the Acela Express train to New York at the crack of dawn to work from there.

I guess that’s how we ended up at my last post, which I’ve been struggling to follow up. What can I say to make myself sound less angry? More mature? Less hurt? More forgiving? Worst of all, why do I feel so ashamed and so guilty for feeling this way? I think that it’d be easy for me to let go if I’d just stay away. There’s nothing for me back there, and I know it, and I’ve known it for a long time. But I go back, and I hate it, and I hate myself for it every time. A year or two goes by, and I stay away. So much time passes that I start to feel good about the situation, almost. I start to feel happy, stable, at peace. That’s how I end up back at square one. I tell myself, “Wow, I feel a lot better about the situation. Therefore, the situation is better.” Only to go back and find that nothing has changed. Of course nothing has changed. Why would I think otherwise? And even if things had changed, it’d never be enough. Things are only better for me because I’m away. I know that, but I tear myself apart by going back again. I think that’s why it’s important for me to write this stuff down. It’s not a bad habit, except in these cases, but I tend to block out the bad and focus on the good. My world is all sunshine and rainbows, like there is no rain. I need to remind myself why I’ve stayed away to keep myself from going back again, because when I go back, I’m just setting myself up for disaster.


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